Period: 15-12-2009 to 1-1-2010 (3 weeks)
Well, it was my first love. Maybe it was late to have it at the age of 20 years old and many will not consider it as one (or normally people call it as 'puppy love' ?) but for me, it was a real love that I valued and will always value.I gave it all out, yes, i meant everything, if you know what I mean.
My ex literally lighten my days. My mood and temper were always good with my ex around me. Everytime when I started to get mad or angry, just a few words from my ex will put the flame off.
Briefly, I knew my ex for almost 2 years, starting from my ex's blog. First time reading the blog, I think my ex is special and someone I want to get to know. Nevertheless, it was not an easy task. My ex was being cold and too emo that whatever I said wasn't accepted or received. I get ignored many times and most of my messages weren't replied. I started to give up texting my ex but I still follow the blog. Well, I hate it but I have to admit that fate is being playful and unpredictable. Surprises happen sometimes. When I least expect it, fate has brought us together. I remember vividly that on 5th and 6th of December, I was sick. My ex invited me for an outing as the ex seems to be too bored in home. It was my ex's offday after all. I being sick that time just took it as a joke and ignored. After that, he proposed another date for outing, on 8th of December as he hoped to shop for some christmas presents. From there, we get to know each others in life.
Since 8th of December and till now it's like, just a month ? We started our relationship shortly after a week after and I was the third party in the relationship (yes, my ex has a partner). I know I know, shame on me.
Due to some past family matters, I hate third parties a lot. I promised myself not to be one no matter what happens. However, in the end I still became a third party. Is this some funny arrangement by God ?
Yet, everytime when I decided not to be the third party, I fell deeper. I tried to leave, I do, many times. I don't want to turn ugly by wishing them to break up for me. But my ex wouldn't let me to. Everytime, my ex made me turn back. People may think that if I want to leave, I can do so albeit my ex was being insist. Maybe this is what people meant by 'love is blind'. I am a rational person and will think objectively, most of the time. But when comes to love, no, I lost my rationality, I'm being subjective. I'm not trying to find an excuse for myself, you can blame me. I am to be blamed, I understand. I feel shameful.
With such an affair, I don't even dare to tell my best friend when we broke up. Normally I will confess and confine everything to my best friend. There is no secret between us. But no, I dare not to do so. I feel shameful.
There is no good ending for third party. I always believe so. In the end, we still broke up. I asked to break up partly because I was jealous and I cannot stand my ex being with others, so happily, so enjoying to the extent of forgoning me.
'You're too sensitive. When I have a little bit of changes then you felt it. You have high expectation on me.'
Another part is my ex started to be cold to me and as a sensitive and insecure person as I am, I felt it. But honestly, I don't think that wanting my ex to be normal and not treating me coldly is of high expectation. Oh well, my ex thinks so anyway.
'Can't we stay at the stage as best friend?'
'Sorry but no. You've made your choice and I make mine now.'
'Ok, I chose to be with him but I hope that we can still be friend.'
'I hope to see you after this and hope that you will forgive me.'
'No for both. Bye.'
Although I never thought that my ex will choose me in the end, it was still devastating when comes to choosing. A good actor as I am, I pretended nothing happened.
As a matter of fact, in deep, I was devastated. I missed my ex a lot a lot and these texts - 'Ok, I chose to be with him but I hope that we can still be friend.' kept floating in my mind. I feel the heartbreak, I feel the pain. I chose not to even be friend because I know I could not afford to do so.
Yesterday, my sis brought me out for the night. I met her friends. I tried to enjoy, but no, I can't, my mind was full of my ex and I was partly devastated.
In the end, I texted my best friend that I was devastated but I pretended nothing happens after that.
Today afternoon, my ex texted me. I wanted to reply so much but I managed to hold myself off.
'No, I need to give up, my ex needs to get outta my mind.'
I am sad but I need to give up.
'I would rather have a friend than a boyfriend as as a friend, I can manage to keep the friendship for 20 years but for boyfriend, I can hardly keep the relationship for 2 years.'
My ex once told me that the ex was being hurted many times and oftenly, when the ex was determined to be in a relationship, it failed awfully. My ex started not to believe in love and forever but in deep heart, my ex still hopes for it.
My wish for my ex is that I hope that my ex will always stay happy and will not get upset and emo. But as time passed by, it turned pretty ugly that many times, I was the reason behind my ex's worries and upset.
As devastated as I am, I will hold on to our promise. I will wait for 6 years while I'm taking my leave to Russia for medicine studies. The day when I return and if my ex were to be single, I hope to be the reason my ex is happy. Foolish I am, I know, again.
But no, I'm not letting my ex know about this ...
Well, it was my first love. Maybe it was late to have it at the age of 20 years old and many will not consider it as one (or normally people call it as 'puppy love' ?) but for me, it was a real love that I valued and will always value.I gave it all out, yes, i meant everything, if you know what I mean.
My ex literally lighten my days. My mood and temper were always good with my ex around me. Everytime when I started to get mad or angry, just a few words from my ex will put the flame off.
Briefly, I knew my ex for almost 2 years, starting from my ex's blog. First time reading the blog, I think my ex is special and someone I want to get to know. Nevertheless, it was not an easy task. My ex was being cold and too emo that whatever I said wasn't accepted or received. I get ignored many times and most of my messages weren't replied. I started to give up texting my ex but I still follow the blog. Well, I hate it but I have to admit that fate is being playful and unpredictable. Surprises happen sometimes. When I least expect it, fate has brought us together. I remember vividly that on 5th and 6th of December, I was sick. My ex invited me for an outing as the ex seems to be too bored in home. It was my ex's offday after all. I being sick that time just took it as a joke and ignored. After that, he proposed another date for outing, on 8th of December as he hoped to shop for some christmas presents. From there, we get to know each others in life.
Since 8th of December and till now it's like, just a month ? We started our relationship shortly after a week after and I was the third party in the relationship (yes, my ex has a partner). I know I know, shame on me.
Due to some past family matters, I hate third parties a lot. I promised myself not to be one no matter what happens. However, in the end I still became a third party. Is this some funny arrangement by God ?
Yet, everytime when I decided not to be the third party, I fell deeper. I tried to leave, I do, many times. I don't want to turn ugly by wishing them to break up for me. But my ex wouldn't let me to. Everytime, my ex made me turn back. People may think that if I want to leave, I can do so albeit my ex was being insist. Maybe this is what people meant by 'love is blind'. I am a rational person and will think objectively, most of the time. But when comes to love, no, I lost my rationality, I'm being subjective. I'm not trying to find an excuse for myself, you can blame me. I am to be blamed, I understand. I feel shameful.
With such an affair, I don't even dare to tell my best friend when we broke up. Normally I will confess and confine everything to my best friend. There is no secret between us. But no, I dare not to do so. I feel shameful.
There is no good ending for third party. I always believe so. In the end, we still broke up. I asked to break up partly because I was jealous and I cannot stand my ex being with others, so happily, so enjoying to the extent of forgoning me.
'You're too sensitive. When I have a little bit of changes then you felt it. You have high expectation on me.'
Another part is my ex started to be cold to me and as a sensitive and insecure person as I am, I felt it. But honestly, I don't think that wanting my ex to be normal and not treating me coldly is of high expectation. Oh well, my ex thinks so anyway.
'Can't we stay at the stage as best friend?'
'Sorry but no. You've made your choice and I make mine now.'
'Ok, I chose to be with him but I hope that we can still be friend.'
'I hope to see you after this and hope that you will forgive me.'
'No for both. Bye.'
Although I never thought that my ex will choose me in the end, it was still devastating when comes to choosing. A good actor as I am, I pretended nothing happened.
As a matter of fact, in deep, I was devastated. I missed my ex a lot a lot and these texts - 'Ok, I chose to be with him but I hope that we can still be friend.' kept floating in my mind. I feel the heartbreak, I feel the pain. I chose not to even be friend because I know I could not afford to do so.
Yesterday, my sis brought me out for the night. I met her friends. I tried to enjoy, but no, I can't, my mind was full of my ex and I was partly devastated.
In the end, I texted my best friend that I was devastated but I pretended nothing happens after that.
Today afternoon, my ex texted me. I wanted to reply so much but I managed to hold myself off.
'No, I need to give up, my ex needs to get outta my mind.'
I am sad but I need to give up.
'I would rather have a friend than a boyfriend as as a friend, I can manage to keep the friendship for 20 years but for boyfriend, I can hardly keep the relationship for 2 years.'
My ex once told me that the ex was being hurted many times and oftenly, when the ex was determined to be in a relationship, it failed awfully. My ex started not to believe in love and forever but in deep heart, my ex still hopes for it.
My wish for my ex is that I hope that my ex will always stay happy and will not get upset and emo. But as time passed by, it turned pretty ugly that many times, I was the reason behind my ex's worries and upset.
As devastated as I am, I will hold on to our promise. I will wait for 6 years while I'm taking my leave to Russia for medicine studies. The day when I return and if my ex were to be single, I hope to be the reason my ex is happy. Foolish I am, I know, again.
But no, I'm not letting my ex know about this ...
